You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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