none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
