even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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