Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(734): View more from Michigan

What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?

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(734): What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo? http://tfl.nu/r7wm

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(517): View more from Michigan

Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.

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(517): Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity. http://tfl.nu/x1wn

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(513): View more from Ohio

Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.

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(513): Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside. http://tfl.nu/2kyw

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.

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(651): She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three. http://tfl.nu/b36h

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.

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(608): Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard. http://tfl.nu/diwn

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(559): Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10 http://tfl.nu/1xln

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(541): View more from Oregon

I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.

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(541): I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top. http://tfl.nu/w6ft

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

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(732): hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals". http://tfl.nu/oep3

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(360): View more from Washington

Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.

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(360): Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink. http://tfl.nu/zpxh

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(516): View more from New York

I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.

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(516): I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick. http://tfl.nu/yu0a

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(701): View more from North Dakota

it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good

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(701): it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good http://tfl.nu/dzm0

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete

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(414): Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete http://tfl.nu/c68q

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(208): View more from Idaho

My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.

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(208): My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead. http://tfl.nu/asjm

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(803): View more from South Carolina

the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.

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(803): the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this. http://tfl.nu/qdyt

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(406): View more from Montana

were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?

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(406): were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong? http://tfl.nu/plyg

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