census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.