if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
this hospital has no fireball
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.