Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize