I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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