my phone needs a breathalizer
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
