I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
