I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
