Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
