So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
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She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
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This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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