Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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