I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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