saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
