Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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