splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
