Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
