Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
