I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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