Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
