So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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