guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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