I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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