I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
