yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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