I puked a lego.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
