You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm both gender and math confused
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
