just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
