I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
