I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
