i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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