i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
