I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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