all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
