thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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