i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
