Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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