there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
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The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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