I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
