theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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