I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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