Where are you?
In a non slutty way
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
