The maid of honor just puked.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
