I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
