Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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