I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
