Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
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I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
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We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize