My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
