i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
