If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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