That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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