I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
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I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
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After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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