did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
