i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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